January, 10, 2016 2:00 a.m.

I’m high and drunk on wine.  I’m going to write whatever I think about and want to write about, no matter ridiculous it seems, I shall write it.  Fuck it.   If you found yourself here you a mediocre stalker, at best, and meant to read whatever the fuck it is I say on this blog from now on.

I already know that I have a tendency to post then read, edit, and re-post, several times until I get it right.  Please forgive my impetuousness. I’m on my second post-published edit.

I like to drink.  I used to drink vodka for the last 3 years but I quit and now I only drink wine.

So,  that’s cool and socially acceptable, right?  Much better than being shitfaced on vodka on a Sunday night and start a fight with my boyfriend that ends with a leaf-blower being thrown the 60″ smart tv.

I need to go to bed, but it’s Saturday night and my boyfriend is mad at me, so even though I already took my “night-night” medicine, I want to stay up…because…I fucking can sans guilt.

2:41 a.m.

I had a good thought but I lost it.  I thought closing the laptop would be good to get the light out of my face, therefore, making my mind somehow, more, creative.




February 9, 2013

Saturday, February 9, 2013

I watched ‘50 First Dates’ with Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore again last night for the first time in years. I owned it about eight years ago and watched it many times, crying every time. When I watched it last night I realized that there are many similarities involving names and things that have manifested in my life. Drew Barrymore plays a character called “Lucy” who was in a car accident and received brain damage which left her with no ability to transfer short term memories into long term memories during sleep. Consequently, she has no memory past the accident. Every morning when she wakes up she thinks it is the day she had the accident but she has no memory of the accident, itself. Adam Sandler plays ‘Henry’ a marine biologist who meets Lucy, falls in love and makes her fall in love with him, over and over, every day. Here’s another coincidence, I really wanted to name Samuel, “Henry”, but I never knew why. This movie must have had a real emotional impact on me. I remember crying for hours after the first time I watched it and I haven’t yet failed to cry, last night I was bawling.

I had an epiphany much like this one last year when I happened to read again my favorite book from childhood, “A Wrinkle in Time”. That book also contains many similarities to my life. The main characters are three children. Two of them are a brother/sister duo, both of them labeled outcasts by their peers. The girl is Meg and her little brother is Charles Wallace.

8:53 am
I just watched and completed my first yoga session. I liked it. Now I will start drawing my cards for my new Tarot deck. INVOKING AN ARCHANGEL.

Singing my song ‘procrastination’ and just let coco out the front to go pee. I went out with and sat down on the front stoop. It’s very overcast today and I was looking up, my favorite direction, and I noticed the most amazing amount and variety of birds. Red-headed Woodpeckers, blue jays, big birds of prey circling above…a little black headed bird with a white body and brown, spotted wings. I see a Cardinal out the front window now and earlier a pair of doves.

Angels, I pray that you would cause a flurry of creativity in my mind now as I embark to draw my first card..The Five of Swords.

August 24, 2013

I got my kids this morning.  Since, I rarely see them, when I do, the three of them compete for my attention.  I feel guilty when I am unable to divide my attention into three equal parts.

I wonder why their father and his family are so seemingly devoid of empathy and compassion.  I am no longer angry.  I am very thankful for that. What is left is a a gaping hole of incomprehensible sadness.

I understand there is no value in placing blame.  I suppose I was always meant to lose my children even though I AM  a GREAT MOTHER.

I understand there are higher things at work which are compressing and grinding and molding my soul into one of subsequent beauty.

A beauty I won’t be able to recognize in this life.

MARCH 10, 2013

Dayum! I know how to keep a fucking man! haha…just picking…I think I lost Eddie tonight. I think maybe I am just way too intense and way too honest for most people, whether I am trying to be in a relationship with them or not.

I don’t know why I even tried. I knew this would happen. Oh fucking well. You live and you learn. Right?

We went to New Orleans tonight and I knew it was gonna be a fight before we left. I could feel the “I want to fight with you” vibes just rolling the fuck off of him.

No worries. I didn’t go to New Orleans to have a bad time…I went to have a good time and a good time…well, a pretty good time is what I had.

Eddie started acting weird about three days ago. That night I totally blamed myself for a stupid comment I made, one he took with much offense, and I went in and got him off the couch with a real, heartfelt apology.

That was the first time I have ever gone and sucked down my pride and made up first and I sure as fuck ain’t doing it again.

He’s just getting antsy and scared, like I knew he would….blah…as much as I try and deny it…man…I really do think I am meant to do this shit alone.

Ok…but where to from here? I ain’t stripping no mo…at least I don’t want to do that. So what is there out there for me?

I don’t know, except for the pain and misery part. I am very fucking used to that. Ok…I am very used to almost feeling those things and then quickly rerouting my brain to a different topic so I don’t actually have to feel that.

April 12, 2012

When I first picked up my notebook to write tonight, it was 10:42 p.m.  Some things happened, though, like Char got a nosebleed.  So I am alooking at the clock like something:42

This ’42’ stuff has been going on for months and it’s only getting worse.  

I’m having the ringing in my ears more frequently, as well..


I can definitely feel that beginning to manifest.  

I think I’ve figured out why I’ve been drinking so much.  It’s my subconscious mind’s way of keeping me out o fso much trouble with LL.   Man, the alcohol has stopped me so many fucking times from going to Liv and beating the shit out of LL’s fucking whore.

Everyone in that town is so fucked up.  They must be inbred.  I’m glad LL has different blood.

Even people who are not from that town will admit that Liv people are WEIRD.

Anyway…enough with the Liv ranting and raving…I no longer care about what those people think or say about me.  

Would you give a shit about a pot calling a kettle black? 

March 24, 2014

Ok.  I feel like crap tonight.  I am super-excited because I made up with meemoo.  I have been so utterly depressed for several days, but she’s not with Tyler anymore, she’s been hanging out with some guy she met at the psych ward in the hopsital the coroner made her stay for 72 hours.  I feel like I am betraying Tyler, but what am I supposed to say?…”no, you’re my daughter but I won’t come pick up your stranded ass?”

Hell no, I couldn’t do that the excuse doesn’t even matter.   I would go get my baby, regardless.

I feel lost when she is not around.

April 20, 2014

I am getting skinny-as-fuck AGAIN because I have completely lost my appetite, yet AGAIN.  Sometimes, on rare occasions, I am able to moderately enjoy food and taking time out of my lethargy, apathy, and suicidal tendencies to actually eat it, even sometimes at a restaurant,  but on the whole, I really fucking hate eating.

Thank God I drink so much or otherwise I might never eat.

Really, the only thing that gets food down my esophagus is the nasty, woozy, out-of-control sickness I feel when I have had waytoo much vodka.

That happens at least once a day and sometimes four.

My point is that I eat at least once a day.

March 2, 2014

The urge to write has been very strong, lately.  I suppose,  because I have remained pretty drunk, sad and angry for much of the past several days or weeks…or months…years?  I lost count.  I felt so bad from November to the beginning of January, then I started feeling better as soon as the New Year came.

I said to myself, “it must be a seasonal thing because I hate Christmas so much”.

Unfortunately, the sadness has returned.

Coco, my aging miniature poodle, is crying.  I had to put her in the kennel and leave her there.  She has been pissing all over the floor several times a day.  She’s been doing it for several months and I can’t deal with it, anymore.  It is adding to my sadness.  But, sitting here in bed, listening to her yelp isn’t doing much for my mental health either.

I had to go to a family meeting at the psych ward my daughter was admitted to last Thursday.

Today is Sunday.

Before her admission, we both were having a depression session lasting a few days.  My part ended with me pulling a 60″ Vizeo Smart TV off the wall, carrying it and putting it in my Suburban, in the rain.  I hauled ass down the cold, wet, rainy roads while I was invested in a pretty acute case of sleep deprivation mixed with mania and severe depression and topped with a terrible case of convulsive crying.


I am writing an entry for one of my other blogs.

Writing this story is sad.  It’s making me cry and I am very good at stopping cries.


Is this why everything happened?  I really do feel like I have so much poison in me me…poison I’ve just been holding in my body for so many years and it has to be released.


I miss my mom so fucking much.  It’s probably because I never let myself get close to her.  I never really knew her.  By the time I met her, the walls were already built.  Thick walls.  Impenetrable walls.  Titanium walls.

It has not been until EIGHT YEARS AFTER HER DEATH, that the walls start to crumble….and they’re crumbling fast and I’m afraid the destruction will be mighty.

Today April 17, 2014…take me back to the start

I just lay in my bed.  The t.v. is on, but it’s not on the correct input so all I see on the otherwise black screen is a message which says, “No signal or signal cannot be displayed”.  That little message hops around on the screen, it’s slightly amusing when I’m numb.  I do not turn the t.v. off, nor do I adjust the input.  I’ve watched this screen for several hours today.

The lead blanket I wear is exhausting.  It is taking my breath away, literally.

I don’t care.

I want to sleep but I’m not tired.  I have no strength nor energy but I’m not tired.  That’s weird.  I didn’t say it wasn’t unusual, but I still think it’s weird.

Nobody loves me except my children.

The previous sentence makes this blanket of lead even heavier.

When will I meet my maker?  Sooner than I supposed?

I feel like I am being forced to feel 37 years of ‘not feeling’ in one year.  That’s not right, is it?

Is this how it’s all supposed to go?  Did I sign up for this before I jumped into this body?  I wish I could get status updates on my progress in my quest to evolve my soul.  I feel like I am failing the mission, but I’m still not completely sure what the mission even is.  I do know that I live with chronic pain in my heart and in my brain and it overflows the rest of me, making me un-sane.

I am confused.  I am in limbo.  Seems like I’m always in limbo.  I have nowhere to call home.  I am a wanderer and a vagabond.  I am a squatter extraordinaire.

Was it really meant to be this way?  All this pain and deafening silence and never-ending madness?

I really need to work but I don’t wanna.

My fingernails are dirty again and I just bathed this morning and then went straight back to bed so how did that happen? I’d say it was from digging in my ass…but I don’t really eat.

My guts are screaming at me.